I have finals next week. For two subjects. Two subjects that I hate, and I suck at them. It’s not that I don’t try hard or study. I do, actually. Only, my parents/family don’t believe me. I don’t exactly have the best record of being seen with my nose on a textbook or notes or just reviewing or anything. But I do study on my own and with other people too.
I just hate that my parents assume that I’m failing my subjects on purpose. They assume I just do nothing all the livelong day. They assume that I just sit around on my computer and ignore my work. They assume that I don’t listen in class and I don’t participate. They assume that I don’t care about my education. They assume. They assume. And they assume some more.
All they do is make an ass out of them and myself.
First off… Why in the hell would I choose to fail?? I WANT to graduate on time. I already have 6 years as it is, why would I want to add to that?! I do NOT like failing. It is not something I enjoy.
Second… Yes, I may seem like I do absolutely nothing because when I get home, I have nothing to do. I do stuff in school and in my dorm room. I do not slack off all day. If I did, I would go crazy not doing anything. I like to move.
Third… I use my computer all the time at home because I actually have access to internet. I don’t in my dorm room. I use my computer to make reports and papers and all that crap my professors ask for. I don’t work at home because then it would be too late to pass my work. I do my work before I get home so I can just rest and play at home.
Fourth… I listen and participate in class. I am a loud kid in school and my professors know this. I have nothing else to do in class but listen and participate! Why else would I even bother going in?! Unlike some people, I don’t go to class to sleep and just talk with their friends. I can talk and goof off with my friends after class anyways. I don’t like the professors but they are damn smart and I listen to them. Even if I don’t like it, I do it anyway.
Lastly(fifth)… Why am I traveling back and forth to a school far away from home every week if I don’t care about my education?! Why do I still go to class?! Why do I even bother doing the work for the subject?! Because I CARE ABOUT MY DAMN EDUCATION!!! Never mind the fact that I am stressed out as hell and I am losing sleep and my sanity over my stupid subjects. I just care about my education. Simple as that. I care.
My parents have no right to tell me that I don’t care. Parents shouldn’t do that to their kids. I don’t get why they’re the one’s stressing me out even when I’m not it school. I’m stressed in school and they give me stress at home. I am never safe. The only solace I have… My friends and being alone. And my parents say that I shouldn’t go to service anymore because it doesn’t help me in any way. So I don’t have a day with my friends. And being alone…… It’s only safe if I don’t lock my door. Because once I do, I would be very glad to take my life.
I’m not blaming my parents. I’m not blaming school or finals. I’m not blaming my failures. I’m not blaming anybody.
I’m just tired. I’m just so tired and I don’t think I can handle it anymore. The pressure, the stress, the bad things happening all around the world and the fact that I can’t do anything about it, the sadness, the emptiness, the numbness and all emotions building up and freezing. I carry so much weight on my shoulders and I just want to stop. I’m done. It’s almost finals. And I’m almost done.
So today I found out that a family member of mine got stuck in the middle of two buses. And I mean he got crushed in between two buses, for real, he was rushed to the hospital but he died on the way.
And someone I follow on tumblr killed herself because of reasons.
I can’t even begin to describe how disappointed I am of my father and I can’t even sugar coat it anymore. He was being a complete stereotypical fucking jackass and I hate him.
He kept saying that people from this or that place are like this or that. And that I should change my course because it won’t get me anywhere. And that I shouldn’t always be having fun. And that I should be like other people. And that some people are just so slow when speaking that they are automatically stupid and have no education. And that people who are taking it easy will never get anywhere.
So the place makes the people who they are?! And a course will only be good if it gets you somewhere?! Nevermind it even if you love the course?! And taking a break for a day is a sin?! And that I should change so people will like me for who they think I am?! And that when people just don’t want to talk some times when they’re being bothered, they’re morons?! And taking it easy and safe is pointless if you think everything is going too fast?!
WHAT.THE.ACTUAL.FUCK :|
So much stereotypes in one person. That has to be a record. So much disapproval from one person is just too much, and to have to listen to all his complaints are just… Sometimes I wish I could just turn off my ears whenever he speaks.
I dint plan to be mad today. I dint plan to shut down. I dint plan to even be affected by whatever he says. I just couldn’t take it anymore. I have so much hate and I don’t even know how I got it from one person. My own father of all people.
I notice that most days, I write about hate or anger or whatever. And I think it’s sad that I don’t write more light or happy or good things. And I want to, really, I do. It’s just really hard.
Why am I even mad? I can’t get it out of me. It just bothers me so much that my own father can be so narrow and I just want to hit his head with a flag pole. I hate that he has hate. I hate that, today, when I should have been thankful for a good day with my family and friends, I’m still hating the world.
I’m still trying to write so I can remember because I don’t want to forget. But still…
Why do I even bother
In northwestern Montana, USA. The water is so transparent that it seems that this is a quite shallow lake. In fact, it’s very deep.
You:
You After You Realize That They Are Bleeding:
Glee AU Genres Challenge
